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Episode 10: Miscarriage Sucks, Period - My First Loss

This is the story of my first miscarriage. It was painful, lonely, and humbling. I never quite understood how quickly you could fall in love with a miracle you've never met, and it only takes days. In this episode I reveal how I told Cameron about our pregnancy, how I talked myself out of the reality of our loss, my medical miscarriage experience, and how I coped in the days following.

My hope in telling my story is that other mamas don't have to experience this kind of loss to recognize it as the loss it truly is. No matter how early, the life you have created is gone and nothing prepares you for the heartache that follows. I need you to know that you are justified in your emotions, regardless how little time you had to grow this life.

Too many of us are led to dismiss this loss, please share this story and help drive this narrative.







I thought that since we are honoring National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month, I would share my miscarriage stories with you. I have been incredibly humbled by my experiences and while I would never wish this pain on anyone, I can't help but be a little thankful for where it has landed me. Here with you, getting to listen and share women's stories and bring a voice to my own. When you do this, you realize that speaking about the hard stuff is hard. You are not only reliving the moments, but it is a whole other kind of vulnerable. I have always wore my heart on my sleeve though, and now I know the impact it can have.. So I will be here all day every day to get vulnerable with you.

Let me start by saying that we have been incredibly blessed that along our parenthood journey that we’ve not had to deal with infertility. We got pregnant within 3 months of trying with Miles and just about that with our first pregnancy after miles.

This pregnancy was totally planned. I think we were surprised by how quickly it happened again, and though we were still living in somewhat uncertain and fearful times, this new life brought us so much joy and felt like a great way to head into this next chapter of our lives - moving from Kodiak and separating from the military.

We actually were in Idaho for a few job interviews Cameron had and were taking this time to explore and feel out this new life. I’d brought some pregnancy tests with me on the trip and finally decided after 3 it was time to let Cam know. Now you know I wanted to do something special and that I’m a must gushy, so made a plan... panda

At a rest stop ...

not quite the reaction I’d expected 😂

Maybe I tried a little too hard.

We were on our way to visit Cameron’s brother in Montana at this point for Christmas and right after I told cam I began to feel Sick. I thought oh no morning sickness ... I didn’t have with miles. Pretty sure I ended up with food poisoning. I’ve always wondered if that fever and trauma to my body caused the miscarriage. That’s the thing with miscarriage though. You don’t know

We told cams brother and his family and I was just so happy to be pregnant. It was Christmas and I couldn’t be feeling more warm, happy, and full of love. I loved being pregnant. I never took It for granted, its the most magical experience I’ve ever had. I truly feel so much for those mamas who don’t get that experience or who

Are just sick and struggling the whole time.

We slowly let family and friends know. See I made a conscious choice that I would not wait till 12 weeks , this is why...

So January rolls around, cam has accepted a job in FL. I’m feeling good, but tired. Feeling pregnant. We’re shopping for homes, thinking about becoming a family of 4, the bedrooms, the location of the bedrooms, not gonna lie somewhat dreading being heavily pregnant in heat of FL summer, but also dreaming about the maternity sun dresses and about swimming in the pool and how much I loved it with miles. I'm dreaming up Mile's first real fun halloween and his new sidekick, I am imagining finally getting to the lower 48 near family and them having the chance to really watch this child grow. We're talking about what if it's a girl this time, about what she'd look like. We decided we wouldn't find out the sex- didn’t with miles and…

I thought I had prepared myself for this possibility. I told myself I had, but I felt entirely unprepared for the pain that consumed me. The experience was also truly humbling for me, I know in years prior I would look at an early miscarriage and think, surely you didn't have that much time to feel THAT hurt. I think about my ignorance now and it makes me sick, it's truly painful to tell you .. But it's the truth. I had no idea. You don't know the pain until you have lived it. This is why I am here and why this podcast is alive. You don't know unless you live it or can relive it and be educated from other's stories. nding through the mountains and going from numb to broken and crying.

I could tell in a few mins by her tone and face that she wasn't loving what she saw. For one, we should have heard heartbeat at 8 weeks. She told me the baby was measuring about 6 3. She told me her thoughts- realistic with me, but of course scheduled trans-vaginal ultrasound at hospital. I was shocked and scared. I called cam as soon as I left the office, we met up at home and we just held each other as we cried. I told him, maybe she's wrong- he could just be measuring small. We had a scare with Miles early as his heart beat didn’t show up until like almost 6 weeks. I was able to talk myself into this by the time our apt at hospital rolled around.

I went it with all the hope and built back up my belief and trust. No heartbeat… cam watched the monitor. I couldn't really look. She was quiet and you know they can't tell you anything. Which is the worst. They have to wait for the doc to review and call with results. She was quiet the whole time and you could tell began to speak with a more somber voice. I just held back tears while squeezing the life out of cams hand the whole time. We left the room and down the hall Cam started to tear up and told me that she just kept looking for a heartbeat, but the line just stayed flat. He then handed over the ultrasound photo she gave him- saying some people want these…

We kept that picture on the fridge for a short time, but it eventually made it into the trash. So as these things go, they will usually schedule another ultrasound a week out just in case. In this time, while you prob know deep down the tech and doctor can't be wrong you try so hard to believe and create evidence that they are…so for a week I went back and forth between just crying my eyes out in pain and then finding research and studying dates to say… they just have the dates wrong…My due date is later and it's just like Miles..

Of course we went back in for the 2nd trans-vaginal ultrasound at hospital and it was confirmed. I also had gone back to doc office for another HCG blood draw and a few hours later got a call from doc that all signs confirmed we miscarried and we began to make decision on what to do next. Let pass naturally-- my body wasn't really showing signs of starting this process.. And so we opted for a medical miscarry via a few pills. We had decided to take the rest of the afternoon driving while nibbling on a cookie from one of the best coffee houses and best cookies ever form Java flats. We drove where there was no service winding through the mountains and going from numb to broken and crying.

I thought I had prepared myself for this possiblity. I told myself I had, but I felt entirly unprepared for the pain that consumed me. The experience was also truly humbling for me, I know in years prior I would look at an early miscarriage and think, surely you didn't have that much time to feel THAT hurt. I think about my ignorance now and it makes me sick, it's truly painful to tell you .. But it's the truth. I had no idea. You don't know the pain until you have lived it. This is why I am here and why this podcast is alive. You don't know unless you live it or can relive it and be educated from other's stories.

I was surprised by how hard it all was. I didn’t expect this to happen to me, even though people tell you over and over how " normal" it is … it didn’t' feel normal. No one talked about it, I only knew distant friends that had really experienced it and it was a topic that while the stats were well known and people felt comfortable enough sharing those stats… it felt like I was alone and no one quite understood my pain.

I thought I had prepared myself for this possibility. I told myself I had, but I felt entirely unprepared for the pain that consumed me. The experience was also truly humbling for me, I know in years prior I would look at an early miscarriage and think, surely you didn't have that much time to feel THAT hurt. I think about my ignorance now and it makes me sick, it's truly painful to tell you .. But it's the truth. I had no idea. You don't know the pain until you have lived it. This is why I am here and why this podcast is alive. You don't know unless you live it or can relive it and be educated from other's stories. so through the mountains and going from numb to broken and crying. and things to think through. ur lanai, watching miles love on his new brother or sister. I pictured our trip home with a carload full. I imagined being pregnant around my family and that much closer for all the family love and support. I thought about watching cam walk miles down the street while I sniffed the top of my baby's head trailing behind.

A few days later the contractions and cramping stopped and I was left with the tasks at hand,.. because we had SO Much going on and were creating this new life… I kind of left my pain there and looked forward. I think I thought ok, I became that 30 some percent, I have paid my dues… we'll try to have another baby as soon as we are able.


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