Multiple miscarriages as an already established parent, is an interesting experience. Somehow this pain "should" hurt less, because you already have a child. The truth is it doesn’t matter and while you are so very thankful for your child, it doesn't make it hurt any less. I believe more than ever we devalue our own pain and allow others to do so, without correction. Everyone's pain is of their own and isn't to be judged or made small by comparison. I tell this story to let you know it counts, it's real, and that you deserve to feel these emotions fully.
In this episode I speak to the multiple loss realities, reveal the not so comforting words given with good intentions, and speak the raw truth of what these moments feel like when walking them.
We carried on with our move and were feeling really excited and hopeful. We were about to start this brand new life. We got to FL at end of Feb, we closed on our house, spent a few weeks getting the house ready for household goods, then my dad has a stroke around 2nd week of march. I ran to TX to be with my stepmother and siblings, nursed Miles for the last time in the car before I hit the road , because if you remember covid hit right about then and so much was uncertain. As much as I wanted my family with me, it just didn’t make sense and was too risky.
I returned home the day before our household goods arrived, we worked to get settled, cam started his new job, and we began our new life.
I am very much the person who when in grief and loss, just focuses in on whats I front of me , what has to get done and just " does". It's def my coping mechanism, but I don't suppress my emotions. I speak them. I cried when I needed to, talked it out with me sister, mom, cameron and friends. I also look for beauties or positive points of it all. Maybe we miscarried because… the strain of the move, covid, and my dad passing would have meant for a later loss? Maybe it would have put strain and stress on the baby? We have more time as a family of 3 now, I can give Miles more love and attention for now… My dad would have keeled over anyhow if he lived through the chaos of our country right now, better he missed all this.
It might sound messed up some of my "silver linings", but it pulls me out of my negative talk and away from looking for the " answers", which rarely can be seen if ever when you are in the thick of grief.
A few months passed. We felt strong, like we made it through… and were looking forward to living in our current blessing and figuring out this new normal. We conceived for the 3rd time. This time I held onto this tidbit of news until I saw Cameron in person. This new job means he travels a bit and so I had to time it right. We both actually met up I LA to meet halfway-t at his brothers house and spend time with them. No big reveal here, I had just planned to hug him when he arrived and whisper in his ear that we were pregnant. It sort of worked like this. We both were a tad emotional and just sooo soo happy.
This time around while you always have that little fear… I just didn’t think it would happen again. I was healthy, eating well, exercising just about daily, taking my vitamins, sleeping well… etc. I talked to Miles more this time, we'd have our showers and cuddle time and I'd point to my belly and say there is a baby in there and he really contemplated it and would hug me. We celebrated his 2nd birthday and I dreamt about what it would be like next year.
I imagined our baby in our new home, our growing family, happy and healthy in the sun, in the water.. Floating 0ur babe around in the pool. I dreamed about the morning light shining through the living room as I nursed the new bundle. I thought about sitting in our lanai, watching miles love on his new brother or sister. I pictured our trip home with a carload full. I imagined being pregnant around my family and that much closer for all the family love and support. I thought about watching cam walk miles down the street while I sniffed the top of my baby's head trailing behind.
I had all the symptoms- for me , my boobs plump up, I get bouts of insomnia, and I bloat. But since I had only been " not pregnant a few months" my belly immediately looked pregnant. I mean it… I had a little belly ( I went from no belly to a belly) like overnight. This brought so much joy, I was already holding it, rubbing it, embracing it. It made it more real and gave me this sense of comfort.
Since we were in FL I began looking for options - midwifery, so excited we had wanted a home water birth with miles, breech… found midwife in area, met with her and the next day met with the midwife at a hospital here in Orlando. Wanted ultrasound, given last miscarriage.
Ultrasound.. Belly first. Nothing. Then trans-vaginal, then she was just quiet and let me know she would get doc and come back.
I drove an hour to this apt by myself while my mom watched miles. I had never felt so alone then in these moments. The doc came in and explained.
Same drill, will end up doing another in a week, get blood tests done etc…Come back. I just wanted to get out of there asap, but the office was also crawling with people and I couldn't bare the thought of walking through while trying to hold myself together . 4 floors down, a 2 min walk to garage, I wanted to run to my car, but I had dressed as happy as I felt walking into that apt that day, and was in no shape to do so.
I called cam who was of course traveling …when I got to the car.. No answer. I cried my eyes out, composed myself enough to drive and started home. All I wanted to do was feel the embrace of my family and squeeze miles. Cameron called back, broke the news as I shattered again.. Driving on the highway. I really should have pulled over, but I just wanted to get home. We were both shocked and heartbroken. When we hung up he worked to get his way back home - new job and so grateful that he didn't really even have to ask. I called my sister on the way and without saying a word , just my cry she knew. She always knows what to say or to simply just listen. She gave me some sensible guidance and things to think through.
When I got home, my mom greeted me at the door and of course knew. I spent the rest of that day on the couch with Miles, crying, drinking wine and eating. That is what I do.. I eat.
Cam got home that next night and I can't really explain the emotion. I was angry and confused, and scared, and just astounded by the amount of hardship that didn’t seem to stop.
With cam home, it became more of a wave, feeling supported and comforted, then broken and sobbing. This time I looked at myself more.. What did I do?. What should I have done differently? Were my workouts too intense? Maybe it was those few glasses of wine or that occasional beer, maybe I have been more stressed than I thought?
Then I was angry at god - like what the hell? What are you trying to tell me? Haven't we been through enough, can we catch a break?
Then my body… it had failed me. I was not equipped to support growing a baby, but why? Don't I treat you well? I do what I am supposed to do.. Why???
We met with doc again for another ultrasound- of course covid- cam couldn’t come in.. He waited I truck when I went. This time ultrasound was more intense and lengthy.. More digging and searching for answers. Same result and signs of hemorrhage- the miscarriage process starting. I knew going into this one.. All hope was gone. I knew better this time.
After the ultrasound- doc came into chat, asked if my husband was here.. And that he come up so we could be together… he pretty much demanded it. I was so received. He greeted cam, and brought him back. He sat us down and confirmed. He explained the shape of my uterus, and looked us in eye -- not our fault, again talked about options.. His method at 2nd , not recurrent.
We felt pretty supported walking away from that apt. Like we could get some answers
Picked up the pill… cam took a few more days off to help out with miles and me while I went through the gruesome process again… this time with intent on collecting tissue.
While my symptoms this time round were not as severe, fishing out my yolk sac was gut wrenching. Cam actually offered to do this for me- he's incredible. I got the yolk sat and saw the little tiny fetus, my baby. Put it in container.. Walked into kitchen, cleaned off, stored in fridge in bag. Cam didn’t look, but I would find out later my mom had.
At my next apt I would deliver the yolk sac in tact that I collected. They would send off to lab for chromosomal testing. Doc checked in with me.. Answered all the questions that had been floating around.. What can I do now? What is the plan? What additional care should I take? Etc…
I feel like I have to be doing something.
The plan was to wait 3 cycles before trying again and let my body to reset. We'd try again and that once pregnant we'll hop on monitoring right away, checking and prob taking additional progesterone etc.
The second miscarriage was the hardest. I felt foolish, thinking I had paid my dues… did I miss some signs? Everyone said the same things and I just felt like no one really new how to speak to me. I had never felt so blessed that we had miles, but somehow people reminding how lucky I was that I even had a child, felt hurtful.. Like I shouldn't be sad but happy. Like I wasn't justified in my loss.
I just didn’t see it all coming… it also brought to light what if there is a bigger issue here? Will I ever be able to have another child, be pregnant again, give cameron another child, make miles a brother? I was scared .. I am scared.
I am scared to do this all over again. Can I handle more loss?
In august after I spoke out on FB and told my community where I was sitting after 8 months of complete silence… My fears became quiet. While each miscarriage on their own didn't seem to have an answer for their happening, my overall journey over the last 2 years did. I began to see that god had pushed and challenged and given me opportunity for growth and clarity so I could be here.. Sharing my story and letting you know you aren't alone. ( more on this in Episode 2)
We are now in the clear and trying again. I choose to acknowledge my fears most days. I will try again, because I want it that bad. I so badly want another baby and I am just trying to trust in god and in his plan. He's worked his magic in the last few months and I've never felt so calm and at peace with my fears.
I am trusting… I live in hope and I know whatever comes my way, I a capable of getting through and growing through it.
I plan to keep you all informed. I realize not everyone may agree with this decision, but I want to share in this journey. The beautiful and the hard… I don't want to walk it alone and if it can touch, inspire, offer comfort, or enlighten … then I am here for it.