is all about giving you the tools you need to get out of the of Mom Guilt cycle and rediscover the true value of your own joy! We are going to learn a daily self-awareness practice that will drive you to take quick action when feelings of anxiety, stress, impatience, chaos, and overwhelm creep up. You will get the opportunity to explore what truly lights your fire and make a plan to incorporate it into your daily life, so you can play a more proactive role in your happiness.
Our moments of weakness that generate mom guilt, while they may consume us… they don't define us. Let's get back to who we truly are kick mom guilt to the curb.
I can only hope this action plan is as much of a game changer for you as it has been for me. If so, please share with your girlfriend and let me know
by writing a review. It means the world!
All the love,
I want to tell you a quick story. It's not one that I am proud of. Honestly it's embarrassing, but I've swapped similar stories with friends and so I need YOU to hear how imperfect I am, that I've been kicked off the saddle just like you, and left feeling like a bad mom.
We were in the middle of all of it- if you are wondering what "all of it" was- go back to episode one. I was juggling so many things at once, feeling depleted, tired, and I honestly just wanted to lock myself in a room and cry. I had been on the phone all morning ( I promise not by choice), Miles was begging me for attention, but every touch, every repeated " like a broken record - mama", was making my heart race more, until I finally hung up of the phone and yelled " STOP"! After he looked at me scared. His eyes welled up, his bottom lip turned out, and his mouth began to quiver building up a seriously painful sob. In the moments following, I began to cry too, I wrapped him up and all I could say was " Baby I am so so sorry."
The guilt that followed was jolting and in this moment my weakness was exposed. I began to look at what I was doing and how I got to this place…and the fact is I was staying up too late watching outlander, Miles' cry in the am was my alarm clock, I was just going through the motions and not checking in. I'd been working out per usual, but that was my only source of self- care. It took this moment and some that had been building up to this for me to realize I had to get real with myself. I had to look at what I needed in order to be the mom I wanted to be and one that Miles deserved.
This snapped me back into my self-care routines that help me operate from a full cup. I pulled out my menu of options, rejuvenated them and picked a few everyday. This is also when I began to really explore my passions and what was next for me. Being a stay at home mom was amazing, but I knew that I needed something that helped me pour back into myself in a way that generated the things that lit me up. Because I figured out a way to fill up each of my buckets of self care, and because I now had the energy and heart space available…the very beginning of my journey to mama inspired began.
That moment with Miles was me a my weakest place. I was tired, impatient, disconnected, stressed, and anything but calm, and compassionate. I know for me that when these things compound, my weakness overpowers me and that It's time to look internally at my buckets and figure a way to fill them back up.
What I want for is for you to be able to spot and see the signs of your weakness showing. And this will look different for many of us and honestly as moms we can feel any of these emotions at any point in our day. What want you to take note of is when you experience a few all together or one particular in a high capacity.
When anxiety spikes
Like you just don’t have the patience
You are exhausted
Snapping at your babies- the words are short and harsh
You feel like you are constantly on the verge of tears
You find that you are speaking at high volumes
Using commanding or ugly language
You have an uncompassionate attitude
You feel alone
You are hungry
Feeling so irritable every touch or scream or loud noise- sends a heat wave through your body
Finding yourself feeling resentful - that you don't have time to yourself, that your needs aren't being met
You are shutting down - giving into the babes, being inconsistent
Resentful towards your spouse- they are getting more rest, their load feels smaller than yours
You don't have clarity- it's hard to focus and that makes you anxious
You feel like you are drowning in overwhelm and all the to-dos
Manipulating language and doing anything you can to control a situation that feels out of control.
Guilt is consuming you
You find yourself wanting to lock yourself in the bathroom and cry when they are awake, but then missing them while they are quietly napping.
You are overwhelmed with guilt and you are telling yourself that you are a bad mom.
I want you to listen to me really closely , you are NOT a bad mom. Yes we have bad moments, You are a beautiful mother. We're gonna throw out " good mother" today, but you are more than that,. You are beautiful, because your heart is so worried that you are doing a good job with your babies. The very fact that this weighs on you, means you care, means you want do better, Means you want to be better. You are beautiful because you are here and you want to play your part so your children grow up in a world of community, love, support, and compassion. You are beautiful mother.
And look I know those moments, when you are laying in bed at night and wishing it had all gone different.. And it hurts and it makes you feel sick. The guilt and shame can be so strong that it just pulls us down. We start wondering what damage we've done, will they remember these moments more than the good ones? You start panicking that they now will be angry people.
Good news… just like we do.. They'll remember the fun, the joy and the unconditional love when they look back. Other great news… all of this is totally normal!!! We wouldn't even be having this conversation if it wasn’t. This is why we call motherhood messy and where the term "mom guilt" was born, in the weaknesses and we all have them.
The other thing I need you to remember is that…
This is not who you are…these weaknesses do not define you. They are emotions you are feeling, because you have been depleted…you don't have what you need right now to be YOU.
Right? Like I am a happy, compassionate, strong, forgiving, energtic person. BUT, when I am not getting getting enough sleep, when I don't get time to be with myself, get a headstart on our day, spend a little time doing the things that light my fire, don't get enough to eat, I am not drinking water, I am feeling stiff and and a little lazy, when I try to fufill too many expectations on this cracked foundation… my weakness shows.
So we've gotta get you back to what makes you, YOU… We gotta do YOU mama!
To start… I want you to look at your 5 buckets. Your consumption, your body, your cup, and your love. How empty is are these buckets?
Your Consumption: what influence and energy are you pulling from? You know how we say you are the combination of the 5 people you spend the most time with… same goes for consumption. Do you need to swap out your nightly netflix binge for something more uplifting? Maybe good housewives is no longer a part of your que? Who are spending most of your time with - negative people, only your kids?
Your body: Check in with how you are feeling physically- are you constantly on an energy crash? Do you need more fuel to get your through your day? Are you feeling slow and lethargic- are you dehyadrated or thirsty?
Your Cup: When's the last time you filled " YOUR cup" ? If you can't answer we know we have a problem - we'll get back to this in a minute.
Your love- are you able to be present in your day? Are you dreading the morning routine or dinner time cause it's stressful ? Do you feel surrounded in love or in overwhelm? Are you missing connection ?
Take an inventory here! Make this a practice you do every day and next we'll create an action plan, or what I keep referring to and like to call YOUR menu of options.
We are going to create two seperate MENU of options.
The first is your "quick action" menu- filled with the actions you can take right now, or in those moments after you've recognized your weakness showing and have taken inventory. Go down the list of your 4 self care buckets…
What can you do right now to gain some strength back, or to fill up those buckets ?
Can you create a more calm, or less hectic environment? Can the tv be turned off or the volume lowered? Can you put on headphones and listen to uplifting music or podcast? ( I want to note here really quick that I love headphones that allow me to have in one bud in and other out- )
Maybe it's time we chug about 16 oz of water or make a snack and sit down to eat it.
What can you do to rejuvenate right now ? Can you get outside ? Can you do a quick meditation or repeat self affirmations ? Can you say a prayer?
What can you do to warm your heart and feel connected? Go hug your baby? Call that person who always makes you feel good? Throw a dance party in the living room?
Here is my quick action, menu of options:
Go on a walk
Call my sister
Push play on a workout
Ask Cameron to take over for a beat
Listen to something inspirational- audiobook or podcast
Turn off all external noises and sit down with Miles to play
Take a Mama moment for quiet, self reflection, and encouragement
These are the things that work for me and what I look to when my weakness shows. Maybe I do just one, maybe a few… it allows me to check in what buckets are in desperate need of being filled and pick and action that will help refill it.
The second menu of options is more centered around " YOUR cup".
These actions are what fuel your fire, light you up, make your heart happy, keep you centered, it's how you pour back into yourself. So think- what do you love? What makes you happy?
If you stumped, then we need to spend a little more time exploring this. If you are a mom, I want you to think about pre-motherhood. When you had all the time in the world, how did you choose to spend it? What were your hobbies? What gave you the warm and fuzzies? What did you look forward to everyday, that you took granted then … but truly cherish now? Do a brain dump and write all of these things down. Then, take a step back and ask yourself which of these things do I still love and which do I want to start weaving back into my life?
If your'e still stumped, maybe you need to try a few new things out. Maybe it's time for some rediscovery and exploration- how fun? Try yoga.. or journaling, or knitting, what about a bubble bath… that's always a good idea. Just make sure it's something for you, something you enjoy, something you look forward to.
I want you to fill this menu of options with both things that you can do as a part of daily routine and also those that might be done once a week or more sparingly. So these will span from 20 minute actions to an 1 plus. I think it's important for us to stay connected with what we truly enjoy - the things that make us US. We can so often loose sight of this in the daily grind as we adopt new identities or roles in life. This practice will ensure we can always find our way back to our own true identity and what makes you tik. :)
For me I love to fill my "CUP" by:
Waking up before the sun, stretching, enjoying the quiet, and drinking my coffee HOT
Working- I love everything that drives this passion project. It's truly my happy place
Date night with Cameron
Getting out of my pajamas and getting fully dressed for the day
Pampering myself- soaking up a face mask while listening to an audio book
An afternoon beer on the lanai in quiet
Crafting, creating a mood board and designing/dreaming up renovations for our home
This list is really meant for you to draw from proactively. I want you to do something every day that helps reconnect with yourself. Elizabeth Gilbert said something in her book Big Magic that I remind myself of everyday- she said " Appreciate the value of your own joy" . Wow right? You know why, because it's living in your own truth and it opens the door to inspiration and happiness and that is contagious. And you know what , if you really have some actions on this list that you love and enjoy, you'll be up early to make sure it happens or you'll figure out a way to make the time…. And then you will know that you chose correctly. If not, come back to this list and rejuvenate it.
The goal here is to do one thing or a few things in bits daily, so that you aren't always playing this game of catch-up. The whole idea is that you have this structured flexiblity, this menu that you can CHOOSE from. There is no obligation or a need to check off everything on that menu. Each day will be a little different and the feelings and emotions will demand a little variety… with this plan of action you have that. For me it takes the pressure off and it allows to reflect on what feels good or what I need in that moment.
I also have to tell you the truth guys, sleeping it off overnight will not always give you the strength you need to overcome your weaknesses. You have to be willing to put in some effort. These menu of options are meant to get you into the practice of self reflection, to inspire to action, and to give you the tools you need to operate from a full cup, so that you don't live in the guilt and shame that our weaknesses can conjure.
Lastly I want to tell you that "asking for help" should always be on your menu of options. If you have any kind of support- your partner, your mom, your friend, your neighbor… let them know you need a break. I know you are strong and capable, but I also know there's a bottom to every bucket. So when all you can think about is getting a break, take it when you can.